Recent events have encouraged me to create my laws that take place immediately.

1. Thou shalt respect our long-eared, big footed brethren.

2. Thou may haveth some of my carbonated beverages, but may I have mercy on thou soul shouldth I find that said carbonated beverage half-drank on the coffee table.

3. Thou shalt not complain about the weather. You can't do anything about it, and I refuse to do anything. And global warming is just when I forget to brush my teeth.

4. Your video game systems shalnt have ONE SPEC of dust on them.

5. Flatulance is fine, but save it during that big speech.

6. When I command, thou must fellate my e-penis or, if the situation calls for it, my real penis.

7. 1337speak is now an official dialect.

I expect all to obey.